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A form of abuse
Stalking is a course of repeated, unwanted attention and contact aimed at one person that would make a reasonable person afraid, the working definition used by the Stalking Prevention, Awareness, and Resource Center (SPARC) and reflected in most U.S. state laws. It is not romantic persistence, and it does not stop just because the relationship has ended.
Why this matters
The most dangerous period in an abusive relationship is often the moment the abused person tries to leave. That is not a coincidence. The abuser's control is collapsing, and stalking, threats, and violence are the tools used to rebuild it.
Post-separation abuse includes stalking, but it also includes using the courts, the children, shared finances, social media, employers and family members as weapons. The goal is the same: to keep the person frightened, visible, and reachable.
If you are being stalked, you are not overreacting. Research consistently shows that stalking is a significant risk factor for escalated violence, including homicide. Taking it seriously is not drama; it is survival.
The definition
Phone calls, texts, emails, letters, gifts, social media messages, or showing up at the person's home, workplace, school, gym, or place of worship. One contact may not be a crime; the pattern is.
Stalking Prevention, Awareness, and Resource CenterGPS trackers on a car, location sharing on a child's phone, spyware on devices, cameras, drones, or hiring someone to follow. Technology has made stalking easier and harder to prove.
National Resource Center on Domestic ViolenceFriends, family members, children, lawyers, and employers are used to pass messages, gather information, or exert pressure. The abuser may not contact the victim directly but still be everywhere.
Battered Women's Justice ProjectRepeated court filings, false reports to child protective services or immigration, challenges to custody, disputes over property, and threats to report the victim to employers or benefits agencies.
National Domestic Violence HotlineHow it works
After separation, the abuser may suddenly become loving, apologetic, and determined to win the person back. The cycle is not change; it is re-attachment so control can resume.
Stalking Prevention, Awareness, and Resource CenterThreats to kill, harm the children, publish intimate images, report immigration status, destroy reputation, or harm pets. The threat does not need to be carried out to cause fear.
National Resource Center on Domestic ViolenceShared cloud accounts, family phone plans, smart home devices, AirTags, social media tags, and location history. The devices that make life easier can become surveillance tools.
Stalking Prevention, Awareness, and Resource CenterCustody exchanges become opportunities for contact. Children are questioned, asked to carry messages, or threatened if they do not share information about the other parent.
Battered Women's Justice ProjectHow to identify it
One of these on its own may mean nothing. Several of them together, repeated over time, is a pattern, and a pattern is what abuse looks like from the inside.
Who it happens to
Abuse does not respect age, gender, income, faith, or country. These are the people most often affected by this particular form.
Anyone who has left or tried to leave an abusive intimate partner, family member, or household member.
Women are stalked at higher rates than men, but men, non-binary people and teenagers also experience it.
People who share children, property, pets, immigration status, or faith communities with the abuser face additional pressure points.
The children are affected too, even if they are not the direct target of stalking.
What it costs
Living with constant fear changes sleep, appetite, concentration, and the ability to work or care for children. The nervous system stays on alert.
World Health Organization, Violence against womenCourt filings, legal fees, missed work, relocation costs, and the loss of a job can all follow stalking. The abuse continues even when the parties are not in the same room.
National Resource Center on Domestic ViolenceStalking is one of the strongest predictors of intimate partner homicide. Threats to kill, access to weapons, obsession with the victim, and recent separation are all documented risk factors.
Centers for Disease Control and PreventionIsolation, shame, and the sense that nobody understands can make the victim feel they are the problem. Friendships and family ties may be strained by constant crisis.
UN Women, Facts and figuresHow to deal with it
Trust your fear. If it feels unsafe, it is unsafe. You do not need a dramatic incident to take it seriously.
Document everything. Save messages, call logs, screenshots, sightings, and dates. Even if you do not report now, a record helps later.
Tell people you trust: neighbours, workplace security, children's school, faith community, and close friends. Ask them not to share information about you.
Change your routines, routes, and online accounts. Turn off location sharing, check devices for unknown apps, and consider a new phone plan.
Contact a domestic violence advocate to help you create a safety plan that covers home, work, school, and online spaces.
If you feel you are in immediate danger, call 911. Consider a protective order, and ask the court about specific protections for stalking and cyberstalking.
Believe the person. Do not say they are lucky to be missed, or that the abuser just loves them too much.
Do not share information about them. The abuser may contact you pretending to be concerned.
Help them document and stay safe. Offer to be a check-in person, a witness, or a safe place to store copies of important documents.
Encourage professional help. A domestic violence advocate can assess risk and help with a safety plan better than a friend alone can.
If you witness stalking or threats, call the police, especially if the victim is in immediate danger.
Where to get help
If you are in immediate danger, call your local emergency number first. Everything below is confidential and none of it requires you to make a decision today.
stalkingawareness.org · resources and safety planning
U.S. resource centre with stalking statistics, state laws, safety planning tools, and guides for advocates and survivors.
1-800-799-7233 · text START to 88788 · thehotline.org
Confidential, 24-hour support for domestic violence and stalking, with safety planning and local referrals.
thehotline.org · state-by-state resources
Advocacy, safety planning and legal resources for survivors of intimate partner violence and stalking.
cybercivilrights.org · image-based abuse help
Help and resources for non-consensual sharing of intimate images, a common form of stalking and post-separation abuse.
Questions
Yes, in every U.S. state and under federal law, though the exact definitions vary. A domestic violence advocate can help you understand the laws in your state and what kind of evidence is useful.
Stalking does not require a direct threat. A pattern of unwanted contact that causes fear is enough to take seriously and, in many places, enough to report.
A protective order is a legal tool, not a guarantee. It works best when paired with a safety plan, documentation, and support from people who understand the situation.
Talk to a family law attorney or advocate about modifying custody exchanges and phone arrangements. Document the behaviour. Some courts will order supervised exchanges or restrict communication apps.
Stalking is the abuse that refuses to end. The person being followed is not creating drama; they are trying to stay safe. A good safety plan and a believing community are the best defences.
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