How to respond in the ninety seconds after someone tells you

People rarely announce abuse. It arrives sideways, at the end of a conversation about something else, in a car park, in a text at eleven at night, phrased as though it might be nothing.

The person telling you has usually rehearsed it. They have also rehearsed your reaction, and they are braced for the wrong one.

Start with belief and say it out loud. I believe you. Four words that most survivors have never heard from anyone. Do not investigate. Do not ask for the incident that proves it, do not ask whether there were witnesses, and do not ask what happened just before.

Do not attack the person who hurt them. It feels loyal and it backfires. They may love that person, they may go home to them tonight, and every insult you throw makes it harder to come back and tell you the rest. Be angry about the behaviour rather than the human being.

Do not issue an ultimatum. If you tell someone you will only support them if they leave, you have just made yourself one more person setting conditions on their safety. You will also very likely be the last friend they tell.

Ask rather than instruct. What do you need right now. Who else knows. Would it help if I sat with you while you make a call. Then accept the answer, including no.

Keep it confidential, with one exception. If a child or a vulnerable adult is being harmed, you may have to act, and in some roles you are legally required to. Say so honestly rather than promising a secrecy you cannot deliver.

Follow up. Not once, and not only in a crisis. A message three weeks later that says I have been thinking about you, no need to reply, does more than any advice you could offer.

And know your limits. You are not a caseworker. The National Domestic Violence Hotline on 1-800-799-7233 is free, confidential and staffed around the clock, and you can call it yourself for guidance on supporting someone else. That last part surprises people. Do it.